Six environmental hacks for the impending humanitarian crisis

Climate change and environmental degradation will become one of the biggest humanitarian crises of our time. It will inflame and influence not only environmental concerns and extreme weather events, but our pre-existing economic and cultural issues domestically and abroad. Human induced global warming for example, is predicted to usher in “irreversible” (IPCC 2020) changes to ecosystems and sea levels that have already begun disproportionately rearing their head in fiscally disadvantaged countries, presenting the world with new iterations of political and economic refugees. In so called Australia, our fair-go, sunburnt, country has transformed (in a mere 230ish years) from a place of cultivated and sacrosanct natural lifeforce into the flaming pits of big mining and logging, capitalist hellmouth (Buffy gays will understand). But, at least our beloved, quirky dad/full time prime-minister/part time curry-maker did a very cool pandering photoshoot with bushfire victims where they told him to fuck off! That’s kind of like climate policy in a sense. And with all of this talk of “having a go to get a go”, “hand ups and not handouts” and other catchy, alliterative, classist slogans that completely disregard the lived barriers to justice and action that us lowly poors face we couldn’t help but wonder about surviving and thriving under these conditions…

Here are the top six Togatus approved tips for hacking this whole climate change and inevitable societal collapse business.

1) Slip, Slop, Slap!

The staff writers at Togatus prefer to receive all of our public health information from a singing seagull named Sid and it has never failed us yet! So do try to have fun outside as the world burns, but never be caught frying (embarrassing).

2) Buy more t-shirts

T shirts are a universal fashion statement. Think James Dean and classic Americana, think an effortlessly cool off-duty model. They are a universally acknowledged way to pretend that Metallica makes good music. But they also serve a greater environmental related purpose for all of those self-starters out there: body heat regulation. It’s the next logical phase of evolution.

3) Keep yourself busy

Deny, deny, deny. If you do other meaningless work there’s a good chance it will probably just blow over, even if there are already millions suffering and stolen land being degraded as we speak. How good is having a job?

4) Fix this whole overconsumption thing by burning all of the waste

The best magic trick is when fire makes things go bye-bye. When Richard Nixon said “the finest steel has to go through the hottest fire” he was 1. Calling himself sexy/fine and 2. Talking about how fire is super revolutionary and can kind of fix this whole debacle.

5) Fix this whole overconsumption thing by simultaneously buying more things that say they are ethical.

Ever wondered how buying more products that are marketed with vague snake-oil claims like “green”, “ethical”, “vintage” or “conscious” actually make a tangible difference when they are still utilising new materials to be made, don’t provide any sources for their supposed ethicality and most likely probably still use sweatshop based labour while also shaming consumers for their carbon foot print in the face of a substantially more harmful neoliberal governmental policy of utter disregard for the environment? Well worry no more, because no one (especially not the manufacturers) even know how it is deemed ethical so shop until you drop girl, you deserve it.

6) Just work harder and join the 1%

Have you ever considered that if you don’t want bad things to happen you should just pull your bootstraps up and buy the next available ticket to colonise space? Take a peek into the lineage of your larakin, murderous, convict ancestors by destroying the ecosystem of the next perfectly good thing to come along. My cousin’s dog dropped out of “Harvard” (whatever that is), mined bitcoin and got really into the NFTs with the monkey art and now he’s a millionaire at 12 and a very eligible bachelor. He has a degree in the school of hard knocks and a one way ticket to your anus. Work smarter not harder.

We hope you have enjoyed our six environmental crisis hacks and can implement this practice of mindful alpha-ness to maximise your productivity and labour output in the face of adversity! Let us know if you have any environmental hacks that can streamline dying in a massive, never ending, horrifying bushfire.

“Strong Shortwave in the Pacific Northwest, and Possible Severe Weather” by NASA Goddard Photo and Video.

Co-Editor of Togatus 2022, socialist and short king.